How Not To Ruin Your Kids Birthday Party

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A toddler birthday party can be a terrifying experience, especially if you are the parent crazy enough to host 20 little rugrats plus a parent or two, at your home.  If you choose to go this route, please, for the love of all that is holy, pay attention to the details.  Details like the ones listed below are the reason I throw my kids’ birthday extravaganzas at Peter Piper Pizza.  Beer + pay $100 + just show up with a cake = perfect in my book.

Sure, the play place might be a germ-infested nightmare and the pizza might suck.  However, there are just too many damn things to remember and God forbid, if another snarky mommy blogger were to show up and start compiling a mental list of shit to do and not do if she ever lost her ever-loving mind and decided to throw a toddler birthday party at her house based on the chaos that occurred at my kid’s party.  However, if you are determined to be a glutton for punishment and decide to host a toddler birthday party at your home may I offer the following tips:

How Not To Ruin Your Kids Birthday Party

  1. Do offer booze, because God knows with 25 toddlers running around, every parent in attendance is going to need a drink.   I don’t care if the party is at 10 am.  A nice, elegant mimosa will do nicely to take the edge off.
  2. Don’t have your toddler’s besties remove their shoes before ensuring that your lawn and sand area is free from thistle growing weeds containing teeny tiny thorns.  The last thing you want is 25 toddlers crying because they have hair follicle size stickers on the bottom of their feet that are impossible to remove.
  3. Do not offer favor bags with candy.  I do not want to fight with my 3-year-old the entire way home from the birthday party over why he can’t have 25 Hershey kisses, all at once.  I know, I sound like a party pooper but you try blocking out the sound of 2 screeching toddlers on a 15-minute drive home.  Excruciating.
  4. Please spend time on the details, like seating.  For example, if you are having a party for 12 three-year-olds, for the love of all that is holy, make sure you have enough seating for the kids and the parents.  If you have enough money to rent a bouncy house, you have enough money to rent some extra tables.
  5. When you are planning on having food, have the appropriate utensils available.  Also, setting up a separate table for the food works well, instead of placing the delicacies you are serving, like hot dogs and fruit, in the center of the 25 foot long table that people are trying to eat at.  I’m sure Suzie Homemaker did not appreciate my armpit in her face as she was trying to shove a hot dog in her mouth.
  6. Do not offer popsicles.   Cake, yogurt, and juice provide plenty of sugar for my three-year-olds thank you very much.  Plus, I don’t feel like cleaning up the inevitable sticky mess said toddlers will create with the frozen colored goodness.
  7. If you are going to have the seating area in the garage, please make sure to lock up the damn tools and other non-child-friendly items.  Your toddler might leave that shit alone, but he sees it every day.  My kid looks at this shit and thinks he’s hit the mother lode.  The last thing I want to do is chase Junior around saying, “Leave that hammer alone.  Don’t touch that, you could cut your arm off, no really, honey you could cut your arm off. Knock it off!”  I would like to sit down and enjoy my mimosa (see numbers 1 and 4 above).
  8. When I call to RSVP and ask what kind of toys your kid is into, do not reply with, “Oh, you don’t have to bring anything.  He has plenty.”  I am not going to be the only douchebag mom not bringing a gift, so scratch that lady.  Please have a couple of ideas in mind in preparation for this inevitable question.  And do not repeat the same idea to every single mom that asks.  Not everybody includes gift receipts, you know.
  9. Open the flipping birthday presents after all the other little rugrats have GONE HOME.  This last one is going to be pretty controversial, but I am going to go with it anyway.  My toddlers are 3 and freak the eff out when they are all supposed to sit in a circle and watch the birthday boy open shiny new toys that they can’t play with.  You think the birthday boy is going to want to share his brand spanking new hot wheels motorized car.  Hell, no.  Then I am left with two sobbing, slobbery hot messes.  Time to go.


How about you? Have any sound advise for would-be party planners???


I’ll leave you with some pictures ….


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