Strong Enough To Listen

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Have you ever wanted something really really badly?  I mean really?  And I’m not speaking materially here.  I am speaking spiritually and whole life-ish?  I’ll tell you what I want and what I have been begging God for weeks to know.

I want to know what my mission in this life is.

I can’t help but feel as though I am destined for great things.  I hope that doesn’t sound grandiose or egotistical or any other non-flattering adjectives — great, non-traditional things.  I just don’t know what they are yet, and that is frustrating.  So I’ve been praying and asking God to give me a sign, a knock over the head, a whisper in my ear, something, anything so that I know what it is I am meant to do in this life.

My children are only going to be under my care 24/7 for another two years, and then a good chunk of their care will be in the hands of educators.  What am I going to do? What in the world am I going to do with my time?  I do want to be involved in their activities, but I want to do something for me too.  I want to do something I love.  I want to do something I am passionate about.  Oh, and I do want to be paid for it.  I just don’t know what that is yet.  I know that God will answer me and I hope that I am strong enough to listen.

I started taking classes in the fall to prepare for a degree in sonography.  I thought that’s what I wanted, but I haven’t been feeling it in my gut for a few weeks now.  And I don’t want to spend any more money on something I’m not sure I want to do.

Been there, done that and have 50K in student loans to show for it.

I went to business school because I didn’t really know what else to do.  I had a degree and no desire to go into the workforce.  So I said, hey, what the hell?  I’m pretty smart; I am interested in business, let’s go 50K in debt and go to school to get a degree in something you are really not sure you want to do forever. Brilliant, Jane, just brilliant.  I have no regrets in my life, business school included.  Because not only did I learn a little about business and its intricacies while there, but I learned so much more about myself.  The 50K was definitely worth that.

I don’t want to just guess at my next path; I want to know.  I have made enough not too well-formed decisions in my life.  I want this one to be carefully and prayerfully though out.  I want to make the best decision for my family, for myself and for the people I am meant to serve.

The time is quickly approaching where I want to do something in addition to being a mom.  That desire is incredibly strong.  I love being “mommy,” but I want to be “Jane” too.  I think that by figuring out my mission in this life, I will be a stronger and better role model and mom for my children.

I can’t really express how strongly I want to use my talents, whatever they may be to help others.  I know I want to help others know God.  I want everyone to know how much God loves them.  I know I want to help others learn to become debt free and stay debt free.  I want to help others with my empathy and love.  I want to help others while growing myself spiritually.

That’s all.  Is that too much to ask?

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