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I’ve been on a list kick the past several days. What can I say, lists rock? So here you go The ten things I never thought I would do as a parent.
1. Help my son pee, standing up. At the park. On a tree. But when a 3-year-old has to go, he has to go. Note to self: only select parks with restrooms. Lesson learned. Oh, and make sure you get your hair out of the way as fast as possible after pulling his pants down.
2. Let the kids run in the grocery store. Because sometimes it is just easier than screaming at them.
3. After discovering that my kid’s overnight diaper failed, change his clothes, put a couple of towels down on the bed that’s been peed on, and put my kid back to sleep because I was just too tired even to entertain the idea of changing sheets at 3 am.
4. Shower with my kids. So I had a couple of girlfriends who were parents before I was and I am not gonna lie….I thought it was weird when they showered with their kid. But, now, I see how it accomplishes two very important goals. One, it gets your kid clean and two, it keeps your kid out of trouble. Now, I don’t do this every day. Hell, I haven’t even done it this winter, cause it is a little too chilly in my opinion, but you better believe it happens in the summer.
5. Get a DVD player in the car. I thought, noooooo way, I made it through childhood perfectly fine with no form of entertainment except some books and a deck of cards. I would be lost and quite likely insane if we did not have the TV in the van. Now that I am in possession of a lovely 2005 Hyundai Sonata while waiting for my Toyota Sienna to be repaired, I definitely see the wisdom of having a DVD system.
6. Go out of the house without a lick of makeup on. I don’t wear very much makeup anymore anyway. On a good day, I put mascara on. But EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life I have put on powder to even out my skin and get rid of the shine on my nose. Because I hate it when my nose is shiny. Several times, in the past month or so, I have actually forgotten to put powder on. I usually don’t realize it until I am back home and happen to look in the mirror and nearly jump in shock at the uneven, shiny mess that is my face. Generally, it happens because I was distracted by one of the turkeys right before that point in my routine and forgot what I was supposed to be doing and before I knew it, poof, out the door.
7. Go six months without getting my hair done. My sister in law is probably cringing right now. See, Lauren, this is just another reason you and Jeff need to move here. So I have someone I love, who also happens to be a hair stylist, look at me, and say, “Girl, go get your hair done.” Why do I go for six months? A couple of reasons, really. The first is that I just don’t feel like it. Boys, contrary to popular belief, it is NOT fun to go to a salon and sit in an uncomfortable chair for a couple of hours, have your hair yanked to hell and back, get hot and sweaty and then get the bill and gasp because you haven’t spent $150 on yourself in, well, probably 6 months and you are thinking, wow, I could have bought so much stuff for that same $150. Yeah, not fun. But before becoming a parent, I never would have waited SIX whole months to get my roots done. Every 8-12 weeks on the dot. Sigh. By the way, I am on month number 4.
8. Give my kid an electronic device, i.e., phone, tablet, etc. to keep him/them quiet so I can get shit done. I hate to admit it, but before becoming a parent (actually even after I became a parent but BEFORE my kids were 3), I was a judgmental bitch. I thought to myself; I will never give my toddler THAT, just to keep him entertained. No way, I will play with my kid/s all the time. Housework is damned. Yeah, that didn’t happen.
9. Buy used clothes/toys/books etc. Apparently, I was not a nice person before I became a mom because I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS thought that I would buy another kids hand-me-downs for my precious little pumpkins. I learned fast, though, that kids go through clothes faster than a plane can take off, at least my kids. Holes in jeans, stains on shirts, sometimes within hours of purchase. Not worth it. I’ve found some nice stuff on craigslist for cheap cheap. Same with the toys. I refused to buy them new stuff (well, the bigger new stuff, not little new stuff) because they will either a) destroy it quickly or b) not be interested in it. Not worth it.
10. Not sing to my kids. During those glorious pregnancy days, you know after the morning sickness subsided and in between the bouts hormone-glazed bitchiness, I had visions of singing my children to sleep while rocking away in my new glider. Of course, I had no idea the amount of work tiny humans would require, and when it was time for bedtime or naptime, I just popped them in their cribs and prayed Dr. Ferber was right and crying it out really does work. Thank God, it did. The not-singing did have some adverse effects as until about a month ago, every time I would open my mouth to sing either in the car or during The Fresh Beat Band, I was quickly shown my children’s displeasure with my singing voice. I was rewarded with a “Quiet mommy!” I think that might have been their first words, but I could be wrong.
11. Bartering “wifely duties” for extra sleep time. As mentioned above, this is an add-on, and I can’t believe I left it out on the original post. Now don’t get me wrong, my husband and I have a “healthy” relationship, but there are times when I am just not in the mood. I KNOW there are other moms out there who can relate. But I’ll tell you what, all he has to do is say, “You can sleep in for my next two days off” and I get in the mood real quick. Similar bribery tools include, “I will take the boys to the park, and you can take a nap” or “I’ll take the boys to school AND pick them up.” Amazing how effective these words can be to get him what he wants.
Well, there you go. Hope you enjoyed!
Love and peace,