While my children have certainly slowed down their path of destruction as they have gotten older, there is still no shortage of things they have managed to destroy in their short little lives. I’ve read numerous parenting magazines, and countless blogs, which are actually far more informative than those magazines but none prepared me for the random shit that toddlers can find and destroy. At least my toddlers.
1. Dual DVD players for cars. You know, the ones that attach to the headrest? These handy little suckers might seem like a dream for your next road trip. However, keep in mind if your children are anything like mine, they might only last for 2 hours, if you are lucky. The cords and screens on these devices were just within in kicking distance of kicky little feet, and this was in a Cadillac Escalade. In a mid-size sedan, they are probably within an arm’s length. Yikes, is all I have to say.
2. Toilets. Especially when your toddler throws the toilet paper holder in it and flushes.
3. Printers. Yep, the turkeys got ahold of this too. I had no idea what the hell was jamming my paper until I pulled an Office Space on that m#*ther f@*ker. And whaddya know, six, yes I said SIX rubber bands been shoved all up in there. Our new printer is wireless and sits about 6 feet off of the floor. I ain’t stupid…
4. Vertical Blinds. You know the ones. We have them all over our house, and the turkeys have done a number on them. Not only have they broken the blinds themselves but also several of the little fasteners at the top of the blinds making them impossible to replace. Consequently, my front window looks like something straight outta Compton.
5. Remote controls. Well, not the entire remote control. Just the back that conveniently keeps the batteries in place and out of harm’s way. Okay, so not broken, just missing. If I got enough nerve to peer into the deep dark recesses that are my couch cushions, I would probably find the backs of all five, yes 5 remote controls. Why we have 5 effing remote controls is a whole ‘nother topic…
6. Decorative bed pillows. I know, another weird one. Yet when I purchased my pretty blue paisley bedroom set complete with 3 decorative pillows six months ago, I had no idea what an effing mess they could make. These particular pillows came with numerous tassels. Well, when a certain 3-year-old child who shall remain nameless, played with the tassels similarly to the way a cat would, then you would be surprised at how quickly they unravel and how quickly the little strings can be disbursed all throughout a house. I’ve since thrown those ridiculous pillows away and you know what? I am still finding pale blue strings in the most random places.
7. Glass top end tables. Okay, this one is probably not such a surprise, but it was to me. Silly mommy. This happened well over a year ago when we were in our car crashing/banging days. But they did it, to BOTH tables.
8. DVD’s. My little turkeys are obsessed with putting in and taking out DVD’s so it isn’t too surprising that we have had several bite the dust due to excessive scratching. Last night’s discovery of the ruination of “The Princess and the Frog” was a bit hard to take though. That was definitely one of mommy’s favorites.
9. Patio Chair Cushions. So a few months ago, I was out back inventory-ing our toys and I kept finding pieces of green-colored cotton-like stuff. What the hell is this? Some weird blooming plant, similar to the dandelions? I had no idea until I began straightening our patio cushions and discovered what undoubtedly began as a small tear but had metamorphosed into a gaping hole thanks to a couple of twin boys. I noticed my cushion was looking a little deflated and sure enough after checking out the gaping hole, I discovered where the green colored cotton like stuff had originated from. If they were older, I am certain they would be blaming a coyote or something.
10. Hair picks/combs. My children also have an unhealthy obsession with these little gems that get the tangles out of my long hair. They like to take the teeth (I don’t even know if that is the right term but whatever) and bend them every which way, generally until they break and then it is off to the Tar-jay to purchase another set.
11. Contact lenses. Similar to all things which can be found on my bathroom vanity, the contact lens case is also not immune to the ever-searching grubby precious fingers of my toddler boys. Several times, I have ventured out of the beautiful, peaceful alone time that is my shower time only to discover the shriveled little remains of my contacts in the sink. Turns out the boys just LOVE to unscrew the caps of the lens case and dump the contents into the sink.
Sigh. My children are the light of my life and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, not even non-destructive toddlers. I’m sure you parents out there have other random things that your kids destroyed. Please feel free to add on to my lovely list.